


Stars Make Me Wonder Where You Are

by whchwitch



Category: Penny Dreadful (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, F/M, I don't know what i am doing here, I learned today I can't write summaries, Modern AU, Rating May Change, Reincarnation, Romance, i don't write fanfiction, pure fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-08-10 05:23:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7832077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whchwitch/pseuds/whchwitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vanessa Ives is visiting her sister in New York, and one night she decides to go out. By chance she meets Ethan who she's automatically drawn to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Preface

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hepburns](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hepburns/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here, have a little poem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote this fanfic to try to take of my system all those bad feelings the season finale left me. Vanessa Ives deserved so much more, this couple deserved more, this entire story deserved a truthful ending. I decided to go on with the story. I'm not going to post frequently, sorry, But I'll try to update as much as I can.  
> Also, I'd love to receive some feedback in the comments.
> 
> See you guys, soon :D

Legend says God created all his creatures in two.

We didn’t know human love but I knew for sure,

I existed the moment he breathed life into you.

You’re me and I was you everything was pure

But even in god’s best creation there were flaws  

and you fell to protect His rein

And in midst of the applause for the first time I felt pain.

Seeing the sacrifice of his loyal servant,  

he saved your soul and gave you new chance,

living endless lifetimes no longer than a glance.

But even in a human skin the Scorpion is powerful,

the power the Dragon and the Serpent crave

Their abuse was a path too dark for anyone to walk alone.

So you started to drift away, your bright light fade

Your cries so sad like a mourning dove

Your spark no stronger than a dying flame.

And thinking about everything and not thinking at all

I asked god for a favor “please, creator, cast me out”

He said “My fearless wolf, if I do that a curse on you will befall"

He continued "To walk on Earth is not an easy task, you might get lost along the path"

And I simply answered “my Lord, my other half is already cursed and filled with doubt"

"We are the same, I can feel her fear making a home in every part of me"

I pleaded and He granted my wish and I was born anew  

I lived, I loved, till the moment of my death

And I was born again to resume my quest

God was right I would live a cursed existence

But the worst curse is that I don't remember you

With a hole in my chest, I'm always craving your presence  

Like the dry ground craves the rain

Walking different paths, sometimes I live when you don't exist

There are lives that I'm lucky and we meet

My favorite are the ones you grow old with me

other times we only greet on the street.

And throughout time I have felt your sadness, your love and your rage

I have drowned myself in you, with you,

in your skin and your scent.

"The Lovers" I remember this one clearly

It's hard to forget the ones I make you suffer

Our love was both our salvation and downfall

With my hands stained red

One more time we are apart

But your presence lives in me  

You're me and I'm you, remember?

There will come a time, I believe

That once again we will meet.  


	2. Wheel of Fortune

August, 2008.

Marble Cemetery, New York.

 

"So what do you believe in?". She asked him with a husky voice passing him the bottle of the cheap brandy after taking another sip.

He took the bottle, took a large gulp, and frowned at her. "Believe? You mean like god?". She only nodded in response. He let out a large exhale and continued. "Do you really want to talk about this?"

That made her laugh. God! He instantly loved the sound of her laugh, so light with no worries, bit childish and loud, the opposite way her voice sounded when she spoke. Oh, and it was contagious, it was impossible not to smile when she did. In this moment he found himself to be mesmerized by her, like a sailor is enchanted by a mermaid. But if her laugh was the mermaid’s song, her eyes were the ocean. Those big mysterious blue eyes were ready to kill you, to make you drown in its depths with no sound and no complaint. And he was already ready glad to lose himself in her entirely if she allowed him to. This thought scared him and for a brief moment he felt the urge to leave. _Goddamn it who is this woman?_

"Yes! I like deep conversations". She said with some accent that he had not recognized yet. She could be British but not entirely, there was a hint of something else.

"With a stranger? I could be a mass murderer". He said with mock tone to his voice.

"Nah! I don't buy that, what are the chances that we both are mass murderers?". She said mocking him too, in her face a smug smile that made her eyes look even bigger and brighter. He felt his cheekbones warm, perhaps blushed a little, even with the cool breeze that summer night had presented the city. She also might have noticed it, since her smile got a bit bigger when she clearly looked at them. She had cast her spell and he was trapped by it.

Shaking his head a little he brought himself back to reality and said "That would be amazing. It's hard to find someone in this world that really gets me. We could be like Bonnie and Clyde". He was laughing. 

"We?" she stopped smiling and raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, the pronoun, first person in plural, I bet you know" this made her laugh hard. And he continued "I get that you are foreign and although I can't decide where you are from you seem to know your English very well". They laughed in unison.

"I'm French" she said and continued "But I lived most of my life between London and Paris" her eyes drifted to a random point in their surroundings, she travelled somewhere in her mind.

"What's the story there?" He sounded interested.

"Divorced parents" she answered giving some closure to his curiosity but it was obvious that the subject still made her uncomfortable, changing the subject she continued "Anyway, I’m trying to know you".

"You are trying to figure me out or determine if I'm a shallow person?" He said.

"Yes!" Her inconclusive answer made him give a breathy laugh that sounded so familiar to her, she had the feeling she had heard this before. There was something about his voice that made her feel calm and at easy. Yes, she was the one for the deep conversations, but he was right not with strangers, never with strangers. She was not the popular, outgoing girl that area was covered by her _sister._

"I would have started this conversation with some question about music. Why would you ask this?" he said with a smile on his face now obviously mocking her.

"You did start by asking about music and I answered. Now It's my turn and I'm asking about beliefs. And it was the first thing that came to my mind. I don't know why" she punctuated her phrases to make sure he would understand she was a bit annoyed. He certainly was infuriating, he had already found his way into her nerves and he was loving it. Usually this would make her walk the other way around but the familiarity in his voice and the easy intimacy between them was something she had never felt before, it feels like they had grew up in the same neighborhood or something like that. It didn't feel this was the guy she randomly met some hours ago.

"You said you like sad music. That's not exactly an answer" that made her roll her eyes at him, and he laughed even harder. She started to fish for something in her purse that was by her side while he continued. --- I'd love if you mention at least one of your favorite bands.

"Radiohead" she said without looking at him, still going through her purse.

 "Wow, you do like sad music. Fake Plastic Trees?"

"Plastic never been sadder" he was laughing out loud now, and with this she finally found what she was looking for in her purse, a box of cloves cigarettes. This got his attention.

"Cloves? Is this the fucking 90's?" He said still laughing. She looked perplexed and in the same time trying not laugh.

"Jesus, are you going to bicker about everything I do and say tonight?" She said lighting up one of her cigarettes, she took a drag and continued "We are in 2008, that's not so far apart from the 90's" so far she was trying to keep a straight face now starting to fade. "Besides who are you to talk about my cloves being too 90's when you are wearing baggy jeans?" She pointed to his jeans with the hand she was holding the kretek.

He took the opportunity to grab the cigarette from her hand and taking a drag himself and passing it back to her.

"I thought you didn't like kreteks" she looked at him annoyed

"Well, I usually don't take tobacco"

"Neither do I" she said giving a knowing smile

"But one can make an exception for clove cigarettes" he said and she smiled in agreement "Oh, and how dare you to offend my sense of style?" He said making a face while using a funny tone "I am so offended. I should leave now!" the voice he used made her remember _Clueless_ and somewhere deep inside she was expecting him to say 'as if'. She pressed her lips trying to compress a laugh that was trying to rush out of her chest.

"You should leave? How about me? I don't do this, on a normal basis I wouldn't even be here" she picked up his joke, trying to make a serious face.

"Why haven't you left then? I usually don't do this too" He was serious

"I don't know. Why didn't you?" She felt the real seriousness in his voice, and her urge to smile left, but it gave space to a real doubt: _Who is this man?_

"I don't know." He said in a low tone.

So far, their conversation had been very loud, with smiles and some teasing here and there, but a silence fell between them for a moment big enough for them to lose track of it. The easy intimacy between them was clear, but this was something more, some inexplicable connection that made them concerned about it. It felt like they were baring their souls while gazing at each other. It felt like they were saying a million things and nothing in the same time.

"So..." he cleared his throat "What brings you to New York?"

"No. I'm not answering that, not until you answer my question. Just do it." She gestured with her hands. She gestured a lot he noticed.

"My answer is corny" He was really shy about giving his answer and realizing made her head spin. _Oh, no, he had to be cute as well_

"Quit stalling" her tone was a bit harsh

"One more smile and I'll answer" finishing her cigarette she reached for the bottle of brandy the laid forgotten by his side, took a gulp. Stared at him with a blank expression for a little while, without believing in what he just said, but later giving him a wry smile. He received her smile with on of his on and finally answered "Ok, I believe in everything".

"So you are the religious type?" She frowned at him.

"Hardly, I'm definitely not god's best pal" she laughed lightly at this "but I think everything can be real as long people believe in it" she raised an eyebrow in confusion and he explained "For instance, let's say you believe in the existence of heaven its real for you"

"'Cogito ergo sum'" she said.

"Somewhat" he paused.

"And you chose to believe in everything?"

"Yes".

"Nice answer" she acknowledge drinking from the bottle once again.

"What about you?" He reached for the bottle.

"Well, I'm a raised catholic"

"That doesn't quite answer the question. As raised catholic myself, I should not believe in most of the things that I do, yet here I am".

"Honestly sometimes I don't know in what to believe. I do believe in the existence of something bigger than this realm we live in. There are so many things people aren't able to explain. And for me, god lives in those things. Well... god, goddess, gods, or whatever is the being or the energy moving the universe strings".

"Past lives?" He looked at her questioningly and then narrowed his gaze.

"Well, why not?"

"I believe it, and I think we are witnessing something here"

"Witnessing how?"

"Well, you are weird...'

"Wow, I think this is the nicest compliment someone ever gave me" she smiled while raising an eyebrow at him.

"Hey, let me finish. What I mean is..." he paused wondering "how can I explain this?"

"I get it" she said "we have chemistry".

"Nah" he disagreed "It's something more. I'm sorry to say this, I hope I don't scare you. But I connected with you more this past hour than most people I've known for years. And you said you want to know me and whatever, but I can bet you already have me all figured out, haven't you?"

"I wouldn't say 'all figured out but I have to say I picked up somethings"

"The funny thing is you are a complete mystery to me"

"Who doesn't like mysteries?" She was rhetorical

"Actually I can name a couple of people who read the last page of a mystery drama first" He said smiling.

"Blasphemy!!" She exclaimed laughing.

And they kept talking like this for hours to go, it felt like there was no world anymore, only there, only them. Like long lost friends, they shared their stories to one another. And suddenly the night started to get brighter until the first dims of light broke through the sky bringing a new day.

In this moment, her phone started to ring and she got up from and walked a few steps to answer the call with a little privacy. He could overhear somethings like 'no, I am alive... You know, I was wandering and got lost somewhere in life... no, don't worry, lost in life doesn't mean I lost my path I know how to come back to the apartment' laughing lightly. This made him smile until he noticed he was being a creep and staring at her.

"I'm sorry I have to go" She said when she came back picking up her things from the ground.

"Was that your boyfriend?" He asked looking up at her.

"No" she answered

"Girlfriend?"

She raised an eyebrow "Aren't you curious? But no again. Only a very angry sister. She was worried that was I kidnapped or something when she woke up to see I wasn't in the apartment".

"Your twin sister?" He asked remembering part of their conversation that from earlier.

"Yes, twin and only sister" she smiled

"So you are going live here with her?"

She laughed "Of course I'm not going to live here with Mina and Jonathan. I'm actually leaving at noon today".

"Leaving?" He got up in a jump "To Paris?"

"London actually"

She extended her hand to him waiting for a hand shake "Well, it was nice meeting you..." she paused and he completed.

"Ethan" he got very close to her, looking deep into her eyes giving her a charming smile while extending his hand too, her hands were cold to the touch. "Ethan Chandler" he completed.

Suddenly she was aware of his height and how small she must look in comparison to him. He was so close that kissing him right now was so easy and she was very tempted to. This was probably his intention and it was working. But somewhere inside her she found the strength to take a step back. Oh, and his hands were warm, very warm, hot even, she bet it made her hands feel cold to him. And there was something about touching him, like little waves of energy, like sparks, it felt like their skins where meant to touch, to feel one another.

"I really have to go" she said finally letting go of his hand and feeling a little sad to lose this magical contact between them. "Goodbye, _Mr. Chandler"_ she said in a sweet low voice, almost in a whisper.

"Wait" he stopped her when she was turning to leave "Do you have a name?" Still with that charming smile on his face that kind made her melt.

"Yes" she said simply

"Aren't you going to tell me?"  raising an eyebrow with a wry smile

"For what so we can be Facebook buddies? Besides, you said you liked mysteries and I can forever be that mysterious woman that you spent a night with. Imagine the story, your grandchildren will love it. Or this can be our 'Before Sunrise'".

"I never watched that movie"

"What? You are missing out, promise me you will"

"Tell me your name"

"Promise me!"

"Ok, now tell me your name"

"When did we made the agreement that I would tell you my name if you promised to watch the movie??" She gave him a smug smile.

"Tell me your name" he said in a whisper for only her to hear, he was closer, close enough for her to feel the heat coming from his body. She opened her mouth to say it, but her voice didn't come out, instead she ended the little space that was still between them and suddenly kissed him. He certainly wasn't expecting it but her lips were very welcomed by his in a long and slow kiss.

She broke the kiss and she thinks she heard a little whine coming from him in that moment. Brushing a lock of hair behind her left ear she said "Now I am the mysterious woman that kissed you in a historical cemetery that we broke into" sounding more breathless than she expected. He looked at her fascinated".

"Is this some kind of turn on for a History teacher?" She mocked him.

"Marry me?" He said without breaking the eye contact.

She laughed at this and turned to leave and without turning back she finally gave her final farewell.

"Goodbye, Ethan".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway, I took some liberties writing this fanfic, I don't know if it is actually possible to break in that cemetary, but researching for places THIS ONE FELT SO RIGHT, so I'm sorry. And english is not my first language, i'm sorry for mistakes. I hope you guys like! There may be another chapters


	3. Knight of Swords

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you so much for your support and comments, it really means a lot. 
> 
> Oh, this chapter is also bit angsty, it seems I cannot live without it. :|

When Ethan first saw her standing she looked like some kind of mirage, just like the first time he had seem her in that bar, when she first smiled at him…

“It hurts me more than I thought it would… seeing you” she admitted, turning around and finally looking at the one she loved, her eyes were sad, he remembers. Sadness was always there somewhere behind her eyes, once you were able to see through their mystery, of course. She was a beautiful woman entirely, but her eyes always mesmerized him. Now, looking direct at him for the first time in a long time, they were sad and kind disappointed. He knew he had failed her; it was his biggest regret in a life made of mistakes.

…

“You have a destiny,” Vanessa said to Ethan. “It’s why we first met” A cruel destiny they thought in synchrony.

“My battle must end,” she knew, “or there will never be peace on earth.” Putting his pistol in his hand. “Let it end,” she begged quietly, “with a kiss.”

Suddenly Ethan felt the world weight on his shoulders, there was no right choice for him to make; before his eyes was standing the woman he loved so much, but he loved her enough to set her free.

 “With a kiss” he granted her wish with a heavy heart.

“With love” he finally allowed himself to say. She smiled lightly. In her brief cursed life, she had been loved; in the strangest of ways, in the strongest of ways.

And she felt grateful for the moments of bliss in her short life, she was born loved by a mother that stayed by her side to the very end of her life never giving up on her daughter. She was able to meet Peter's endless kindness, she had loved Mina and was loved by her. She was able to find a new family with Sir Malcolm, Victor, Joan and Sembene. Kindness between the unkind, like Sembene wisely used to say.

And in Ethan she had found a friend, a confident, someone to trust, and someone to love. Life had permitted them to meet, to become close friends, to fall in love, but also gave them separated paths, only to bring them together to set them apart again in the most agonizing of ways. Her salvation was his ultimate curse.

They kissed.

She closed her eyes.

They prayed, for salvation, for a chance they would meet again.

A loud sound.

And silence.

 

…

 

 

July, 2011.

Ethan’s apartment, London.

 

Ethan wakes up in a jump, _"It's a nightmare,”_ he thinks to himself _"only a nightmare"_ he feels relived. Sitting up on his bed, he stares at his shaking hands; the _full moon_ is bright enough to light up his room. His heartbeat is so loud and strong he feels it echoing throughout his body, from the top of his head to the tip of his fingers. Taking deep breaths, he slowly is able to calm his heart down.

"Another nightmare?" She says very sleepy, he turns to his left quickly surprised that she is awake and in the dim light sees her laying on her stomach by his side, sheets covering only up to her lower back. On her backs, that _strange birthmark_ and some signs of their loving making earlier that night.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake up" he says, leaning down to kiss the top of her head, she turns to look at him and he cannot avoid staring at her bare breasts.

"Eyes up, cowboy" she says realizing it "we are talking about those nightmares. So I need you focused"

"I am," he says still staring.

"Ethan!" She reprimands him, pushing up the sheets to cover her. He laughs lightly.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes, "you know I'm hopeless around you". He caresses her hair, trying to avoid the terrible images of her dying on his arms, by his hand. "It's just a silly nightmare".

"If say it was zombies again, I'm going home" she insists knowing he is lying. He is having these nightmares for a while now, and they look so terrible he is barely able to sleep after them. One of nights, she woke up to his crying, his hands clenched, holding the sheets. His desperation tore her heart. Every time she tries to talk to him about the nightmares, but he gives her an easy smile and change the subject. He does not open up to her. No matter how many times she emphasizes she is there for him. _To accept him._ However, he accepts her love, her care, the adoration in his eyes when he realizes how much she cares about him is something that leaves her dizzy.

"How do you know it's not zombies this time, Vanessa?" He mocks her, noticing she is starting to get a little angry and it is not like he doesn’t want to open up to her, he wants to give himself entirely, to bare his soul for her but how he's supposed to say to the girl he's been dating for seven months now he's dreaming of killing her. Even thought, it is obviously a terrifying thought, it is not something you say easily.

"Because I'm not stupid" She sits up on the bed, still holding the sheets. Her tone is a bit angry  "and by the way you look at me, after those nightmares," she looks at him "Those dreams are about me, maybe I can help you if you tell me" she reaches one of her hands to caress his face

"Ok, you were cheating on me" Her face was looking worried and loving a second ago, looked angry now.

"Don't patronize me," she says in a note that made his body shiver. She hated when he did it. Deep down, she knew he was trying to protect her from something. Ethan's strongest instinct was protection, but she hated so much when he did it by patronizing her. Sometimes he tried to protect her from himself, she felt like he was pushing her away.

"You did cheat on your _ex fiancée_ with me" he didn’t know why he said it, seriously. This was a very grave thing to say, especially to her, but he said

"Fuck you, Ethan" He from all people should know how much she hated cheating, she was really angry now, and got up fast from his bed picking up her clothes and putting on her t-shirt in order to leave.

"I'm joking" he says getting up quickly and embracing her from behind kindly, to stop her from leaving "It was a terrible joke, but I'm joking," he repeats "I know you hate cheating. I remember your story about your childhood. I KNOW you'd never cheat on me"

"And I didn't exactly cheat on my _ex_ with you, he had already broken things off" "Besides, it was just a bloody kiss"

"I'm an asshole, but if I recall well, it was a kiss, and a marriage proposal, but you still thinks I was joking" They laughed in unison with the memory from the first time they met.

"Yes, you are an asshole." she said sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling him to sit by her side. "How can I help you if you don't trust me?" She looked deeply into his eyes, this move of hers made him agree on everything.

"It's not that I don't trust you. I do with everything that I am, but it's a terrible dream" Suddenly it hit her.

"Do I die in those dreams?" He doesn't answer but with the bright of the moon she can see him tearing up with her question. Falling to hold back the tears that were trying to make their way out, he looks down and locks his together. She can hear him crying, but doesn't quite know what to say... Is there anything she can really say right know?

"I love you" he says quietly voice failing still not looking at her. Vanessa feels her heart jump on her chest, she makes an effort to say something but he interrupts finally looking at her. "This is not the way I waned to say it, but I do love you and these dreams I've been having terrify me in a way I was never afraid before. I don't want to pressure you. I don't want you to say you love me until you really feel it. I don't want you to feel guilty if you don't. I just want you to keep giving me the honour of being yours".

She stares at him, fire burning through her body. She can feel his words, his love echoing through her. She wants to say something, but words fail her once again. So, she leans closer and kisses him, holding his head between her hands, pouring herself entirely on the sweetest and most passionate kiss she could ever give. He held her close to him, his arms perfectly adjusted to her size, it was like they were made to be complete each other, like a puzzle, like disparate pieces coming together.

He broke the kiss, but still aching for more, he reached for neck giving light kisses that made her giggle lightly "scratchy beard", she said a bit high pitched. He smiled in the crook of her neck and gave her a last lingering kiss.

Looking at her again he said "even though I like the way things are going this precise moment I think you should try to sleep, we have to wake up really early"

"Unfortunately, I agree"

"Cuddling?" She gave him a meaningful look. Vanessa likes cuddling, during rainy Sunday mornings mostly. But for sleeping not so much, she liked her space. “Come on, I had a nightmare. Feel my pulse” he extended his arm at her while giving a sly smile.

"Ok" she sighted. He was such a child sometimes, but it made her laugh… well, most of the times at least.

"Naked" he said quickly while she was lying down on his bed.

"Ethan!" she sat straight up once again.

"It's only fair since I'm still naked. Sweetheart, that t-shirt has no business here" he said pointing at her chest. She rolled her eyes at him, but took of her t-shirt anyway. Afterwards, she adjusted some pillows and made sign for him to join her. He embraced her, resting his head on her chest.

“Can you hear my heart? I’m alive. I’m here. I’m not leaving” her words comforted him and he relaxed a bit more, feeling sleep weight his body one more time.

“It’s my second favorite sound that you make,” he said quietly and continued “the first is…”

“Watch out for what you are going to say” she interrupted him.

“I was going to say your smile” he smiled with eyes closed, still nested at her.

“Nuh-uh! I know you, Ethan Lawrence Chandler Talbot” she was smiling while caressing his hair lightly.

“Ok, then. It’s the third favorite sound”

“Shouldn’t heartbeat be the first? You know since I need to be alive to the rest”

“Favoritism is not about reason, Van” he said voice now starting to fail.

And there she was trying to hold back another laugh. Life with Ethan was colorful, for her he’s like a nice cool breeze during a summer hot night, just like when they met. His childish laugh, combined with the way his eyes wrinkled. And the way he made her laugh constantly. And the way he was there through her sadness. And the countless “and’s” that added more and more the depths of what she felt with him and for him.

With Ethan she felt lost and found altogether, hopeless and hopeful. Ethan felt like something she has been looking for her entire life, he made her feel like she actually belonged to this world. Ethan was her solitude, her home.

All these feelings combined with the feeling of his body, his skin, his warmth, overwhelmed her and it all came out under her breath in the form of a confession:

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short, but I feel like I said everything I wanted to say with it, I'm sorry it took so long.  
> Once again, English is not my first language, let me know about mistakes and English tips. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it. :)


	4. The Hermit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are f*cking amazing! WOW, I don't have words to describe and thank you enough for the lovely comments and the kudos! wow wow wow I was not expecting this. I'd like to give y'all a cookie, but instead here have a chapter. 
> 
>  
> 
> ps: this chapter is a bit diferent than the usual. See I left some information out on purpose. Time to meet Vanessa's ex.
> 
> I hope you guys like it, and once again thank you.

September, 2008.

Vanessa's apartment, London.

 

Vanessa was sitting by her window frame finishing reading an article about feminism in literature. God she had so many things to read now, since she put her work life on hold and went to New York to visit her sister and to think about some recent events, and to try to move her life... life forward again.

And going away was Vanessa's favorite sport, not to run away per say but actually to put some perspective and finally being able to see the big picture. She is the infamous introvert in her family; she needed time and loneliness to figure out her path.

"It's 17:30," She said to herself a little nervously " _Peter_ will be her any minute now".

 _Peter_  her best childhood friend, the sweet guy with the sweetest smile, and probably the kindest person alive. He was there when her parents got divorced, he was there when she gave her first kiss, and held her on her first heartbreak, making sure she had enough sad songs to listen because he knew Vanessa worked through her sadness with more sadness. Peter the guy that was there her entire life, Vanessa is not able to remember a time when he wasn't. They even went to college together.

Peter was also the guy she kissed once when she was drunk in a party, in truth they were both so drunk that it actually lead to sex, and an incredibly awkward few weeks post sex. And people would say 'of course this would happen', 'Vanessa and Peter were always meant to be', 'of course Van would marry Peter'. And so this lead to some kind of relationship and suddenly, trapped in a comfort zone of convenience, they were engaged and planning a normal, steady life together... until he broke everything off in a night that started with the terrifying sentence: "we need to talk".

But they didn't talk; she wasn't able to talk and just listened, but not even this. Vanessa doesn't remember much of the "conversation" just the beginning when he said they had to call off the wedding. The next day she was knocking on her sister's door in New York without any warning, she remembers Mina gave her a tight hug and then yelled at her because she had disappeared. Now she's able to remember some things, it was like she went in fugue state.

"Our moms are crazy after you, Van?" She remembers Mina saying, "They told me about you and Peter, I'm sorry" Mina caught her by her hand leading then to the sofa.

"Bloody hell, Vanessa is here! Thank God you are alright" a visibly sleepy Jonathan crossed the apartment quickly and hugged her. "What happened?" He said while sitting by Mina's side.

"Well, in fairness, all have to say is that I needed to get away. I was supposed to come visit and already had my VISA, so here I am" she gave him a half smile and turning to her sister again "How _Gladys_ and _Claire_ know about Peter?"

"Peter called them; because he was very nervous to see you pack a bag and leave home”

“Great, even now he has to be a sweetheart” Vanessa let out a large exhale in frustration, “while I’m the person that says nothing and fleas to another goddamn continent”. In this moment Mina started to laugh, “Please, Mina!”...

_*knock knock*_

Vanessa's line thought was broken by knocks on the door, Peter had arrived. Nervously, with butterflies in her stomach, Vanessa's crossed the apartment and stood in front of the door taking a last deep breath before opening it.

"Hey, Pete,"  his name sounded faintly in her voice "come in" she continued smiling  lightly, giving him space to enter.

"I... I... you..." He stopped ad looked at her "I don't know what to say anymore" he sounded sad, "I'm sorry" he looked deeply at her.

"Do you want some tea?" She asked him

"Van, today we really need to talk"

"And we are going to, but I believe tea makes everything better"

He laughed lightly "I think I'd like something stronger"

"Whisky then" she said "come to the kitchen, let's sit there" she said already turning her back and leading the way

"I can do whisky" he followed her, reaching a couple of glasses when they arrived in the kitchen while Vanessa grabbed the liquor. They sat across each other in Vanessa's white table and stared at each other for a little while before she finally broke the silence again.

"I'm sorry," she said simply "I just left and didn't even give you a chance to make things right. I feel ashamed..." she looked down at the empty glass in front of her.

"Don't be. It's your way of dealing with things"

"You know me" she smiled sadly "But that's not the reason why I feel ashamed..."

"Please, this once, let me go first." he interrupted her "I broke things off, because I was not being sincere with you," she opened her mouth to say but he stopped her "please, Van before I lose my courage" she consented silently nodding at him while passing him the bottle of whisky sliding it across the table. He scoffed while pouring some into his glass and taking a sip.

"you'll need more than that" she mocked him.

"I'm a terrible drinker, you know it. I need courage not to pass out" she lifted her eyebrows agreeing with him. "I met someone" he looked at her expecting a hard reaction but she kept her face straight and said nothing so he continued "And I realized that what we have is love, but is not that kind of love. It's not fire"

"Passion and love are completely different things, Peter" she finally said.

"I know. I do know that and I love you. I need you to know that. But I think..."

"I think we got carried away by what other people said and convenience" She interrupted him and completed his thought knowingly.

"You understand" He looked like the weight of the world had just left his shoulders

"That's why I felt ashamed and went away. Well, I need to admit that my first reaction was shock and yes, sadness. But I felt confused, because in the same time I feared losing you I also felt relief" She looked down again "You are my friend for so long".

"And we can still be friends" He said at this time she looked at him again in disbelief, seeing her face he continued "when time heals our wounds". At this moment she poured herself a large shot of whisky and drank the whole thing at once.

"Man, you cheated on me?" She looked seriously at him.

"Yes" He looked burdened again.

"Do I know the person?" He nodded "Who is it?" She stared at him.

 _"Branson"_ he answered dryly

 _"_ Branson? Wait... Branson from college?" She looked at him at complete disbelief

"Yes"

"That guy that is so serious people call him 'Captain Branson'?"

"Yes, Van"

"That homophobic prick?"

"It seems the homophobic was part of a facade" Vanessa snorted trying to hold back a laugh but Peter looked at her and he was visibly holding it back too. Soon they both started laughing out loud together.

"I hope you know what you are doing" she was looking deeply at him now and using a serious tone "he has hurt you once before" she looked worried.

"I don't know what am doing, Van" he took a deep breath and stared at him hands that were resting on the table "But I have to do it..." Peter looked so ashamed that made Vanessa kind of sad "I hope one day you understand".

"Promise one thing?" She said while reaching and touching his hand, this made his look up at her. "Don't ever be ashamed of who you are. You are a wonderful creature. Even when people try to diminish you by saying you are weak and fragile stand tall and be proud of who you are. Your weakness is your strength and your fragility is your beauty" Peter was holding her hand tight while tears started to roll down his face. "Actually, promise me two things," Vanessa continued "take care, don't let Branson break you heart again".

"I promise and I'll take care" Peter smiled lightly. Now he remembers Vanessa was always like a sister to him, which is now very weird since they were about to get married. But one thing he's sure of, he would always love Vanessa. "Promise me a couple of things too?”

"Depends" She smiled at him

"Van, I'm serious" He pushed her hand to him getting her attention and she nodded. "Don't close yourself to the world. Finish your masters. Travel the world. Meet new people, and occasionally call me, I wouldn't bear not have you in my life" Vanessa's eyes watered "Vanessa Evangeline Ives Murray, you fucking deserve the world, but you have to chase it, get up and go get it" she was crying now "also, call your father once in a while"

"You said 'promise me two things' that's a fucking list" she joked and they both laughed in the midst of tears. “calling Sir Malcolm Murray it’s the equivalent to an endless list” they smiled nervously.

“Does he know about the break up?” he looked very nervous now.

“By the face you are making, one might say you fear my father” she was chuckling. He didn’t respond, so Vanessa continued “Mina told him,” Peter’s eyes widened “he called, asked me if I was fine, and I said yes” she made a face mocking him “I think you are on the clear, you can breathe now”.

“Very funny, Vanessa” he looked at her looking a little more relieved.

“I know” she poured some more whisky to herself. Later, she rested her head on her hand "Thank you, Pete" she said simply.

“For what?” He looked at her.

“For everything, for existing” his watered again. He gave her a soft smile and checked the time on his watch. They’ve been talking for a while now.

“I have to go” he said getting up from his chair.

“I’ll walk you out” she got up too.

She opened the door for him. And she thought to herself someone should have warned her about how awkward this moment would be. Saying goodbye in the first date can be terrifying but nothing compares to saying goodbye on break up. Does she kiss him? Only wave goodbye? A hug? Or shaking hands is enough? The worse, she could see on his face he had no idea on how to act too.

“I don’t know how to do this” he admitted first.

“Well, let’s start with: I hope you’ll be fine. And once again thank you” she said

“Can I kiss you?” he took her by surprise.

“No” she answered quickly “I need to heal, and a kiss won’t help my process”

“I’m sorry” he felt bad “I didn’t think about that”

“Yeah” she said embarrassed, “let’s just say goodbye” she looked at him while leaning against the door “So, goodbye”

“Goodbye” he left. She closed the door, looked everywhere. The apartment seemed too big, and the rain outside. For a while she wondered how cliché this moment was and how desired for Peter to find the happiness he wanted so much, but she couldn’t help to feel so alone. So, with her limbs too heavy for her to move, she leaned against the door and started cry, trying to wash away everything she was feeling.

After a while, her phone rang, so she got up and ran to see who was calling, it was her mother. Vanessa hesitated for a bit, but decided she ended up answering it.

“Hey, mom” her voice failed

“Hey, kid, I was not sure if you are going to pick up” Vanessa didn’t say anything so Claire continued “How things with Peter went? How are you?”

“Mina told you” Vanessa affirmed; always forgetting secrecy was not one of Mina’s strongest suits.

“Your sister worries about you. That’s all. Don’t be mad” Claire pleated

“I’m not mad…” Vanessa took a deep breath “Forget it, I’m mad, yes. Not at Peter, not at Mina. At myself” she said on a low voice.

“Why would be mad at yourself, kid?”

“I don’t know, mom. On how far thing with Peter went. On how I let it get this far. We were engaged for Christ sake and somewhere inside me I knew he didn’t love me like lovers do. But sometimes I’m so afraid of being lonely…” she broke down again “how… sick is that?” she asked herself in between sobs.

“Darling, listen to me” Claire’s heart tore to see her daughter like that “You remember about me and your father right?”

“Yes” she answered quietly

“I feared for so long, that I would be lonely, if I left him. So I accepted the cheating and betrayal to happen, until the moment I couldn’t anymore. And even then, I feared I would never find love, I would never heal… And one day, Gladys was there, to love me for who I am. She looked at me and saw something broken, and loved every single crack. She loves me and I know it. You deserve this. You deserve to know. I wish someday you’ll find someone that you won’t have to wonder how much they really care about you, because you will know in heart”. Claire could hear her oldest daughter crying, but felt she was a little more relaxed than when she answered the phone. “Also, your happiness don’t depend if you are or are not in a relationship. There other ways to find love and happiness, you know it. I raised you to know this, to be independent, to be free and mostly love yourself. I know you tend to do it, but don't ever think less of you. Don’t ever think you are not able or undeserving” Vanessa cried hard again, and Claire let her to do it. To clean her soul and listened quietly.

“I wish I could hug you right now, mom” Vanessa finally said barely audible.

“Consider yourself hugged, child. But how about a drink, we can drink together even far away. I finally picking up how these new phones work, we can spend hours talking”

“Alright, then, let grab a bottle of whisky” Vanessa mocked expecting a reaction from her mother.

“Vanessa, darling, I’m not encouraging you to drink an entire bottle, but a shot, maybe two” Vanessa smiled lightly

“Don’t worry, mom, I don’t have to work tomorrow” She teased her mother.

“Promise me you are not drinking the entire bottle”

“I promise, mom”

“So what do want to do? We can watch a movie if you feel like”

“A movie?”

“Yes put me on speaker and it will feel like I’m there with you. We can watch Titanic, remember how much you cried the first time we watched it?

“Yes, mom”

“You didn’t even cry when Leonardo DiCaprio died, you cried in the begging when they showed real videos about the ship. Why?”

“I don’t know really. I just felt overwhelmed” They laughed at the memory.

"So, how about the movie? Gladys can call Mina from her phone and we can watch the four of us together, just like when you were kids" Claire suggested

"Mom, Mina is probably sleeping right now. Remember she's in the U.S. now"

"Right" she sounded a little sad "I keep forgetting you and your sister are growing up" Claire's voice failed a bit "In November my babies will turn 21".

"I don't feel like a grown up most of the times if it helps you" Vanessa jokes with her mom. "Mom, thanks for the invitation, but I have some articles to read" she pauses "and a entire bottle of whisky to drink" she expected her mom's reaction.

"Vanessa Evangeline Ives Murray" Vanessa started to laugh and her mother continued "I'm glad you can laugh on my account" her mother sounded sarcastic. "So, are free this weekend? You come to Paris, we miss you"

"I think I can make next weekend. We can even watch Titanic if you want to" Vanessa mocked her mother.

"Missy, I taught you to respect people" Vanessa laughed, Claire loved her daughter's smile so much.

"Mom, I'm hanging up now"

"Be safe"

"You too, mom. Tell Gladys I miss her"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *picks up linear storytelling throws out of a window*
> 
> So yeah, we are back in time and I decided to make peter x vanessa an actual couple, since in the tv show there was that big "what if" when it comes to them. Maybe there will be another chapters like these, that lead up to Vanessa x Ethan meeting again.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it. Have a nice week!


	5. The Lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First I'd like to thank you all. I never expected this many kudos. And I love the comments.
> 
> I liked last chapter a lot, showing how life was before they met again, so you should expect more chapters like that. Tell me how you feel about the non linear story!
> 
> But for now, because you guys are amazing and because I need some cheering, have this longer chapter with both Vanessa and Ethan. Please, also notice the rating changed. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
> I hope you guys like!

 

December, 2010.

London Eye Square, London.

 

They were walking around the city after a particular dinner. He made some excuse that he was a tourist and wanted to know the beauties of London, the manmade ones according to him. She accepted the invitation; she loved London during this time of the year, besides, she remembered very well how fond of his company she was a little more than two years ago.

“So this is the London Eye. This place is hundred times more beautiful around Christmas” She said looking around the scenario, without looking at him. While his gaze only saw her, and her beauty. She was even more beautiful than he remembered. And he made his best effort to remember every single freckle on her face. “You are not looking at the place you said you wanted to meet” she said with her particular accent still not looking at him.

“But I’m looking at something equally beautiful” he smiled when she looked at him suddenly, completely taken by surprised about what he said.

“Ethan…” She looked down, making her best effort to hide her blushing cheeks despite of the cold air of December. She took a breath and asked him “Do you want to ride it?” she indicated the monument using her head. “The view up there during the night is breath taking. It’s almost closing time, but I think we should try. Maybe we are lucky tonight.”

“If you think it’s worth it” he agreed nodding his head. “Lead the way” he smiled lightly at her. She extended her hand for him to hold. He looked at her puzzled.

“You told me to lead the way…” she said shyly averting her gaze back to the scenario, like she couldn’t bare looking at him. “… and,” she continued after a brief pause “my hands are cold” she looked a bit mischievous, he remembers.

“Well, I can’t leave a lady’s hand cold. My American Southern creation wouldn’t let me” his accent jumped as he spoke and kept smiling at her, that half smile that made her melt in the past; still had its power.

Fortunately, they were lucky enough to still get tickets and ride the London Eye. Up there he noticed she was right, few things were more beautiful than the view of an illuminated and quiet London. Thames River was reflecting the lights of the beautiful architectures around them. His eyes were full of beauties, and he realized she was the one staring at him.

“What?” He asked simply.

“Your eyes are actually shining” She says with no shy “It’s beautiful” she almost whispers. At this moment he turns to face her and realized once again the real beauty of London was standing right in front of him. The dim lights reflecting drew galaxies on her face and eyes; he looked at her like something holy.

“I made my best effort to not forget a single thing about you. I have to admit you haunted my thoughts everyday it would be hard to forget even if I wanted to” Something appeared behind her eyes, something Ethan could not describe. “I knew, somewhere inside of me that you’re not only the mysterious one night thing. I felt…”

“Connected to you” She interrupted him, finishing his sentence. She felt her throat dry, maybe it was the want of him. Yes! Want. She allowed herself to admit she wanted him. She wanted to kiss him and felt this was what he wanted too. He leaned closer, close enough she could hear him whisper “I want to kiss you”. The feeling of his whisper against her skin made her shiver lightly and he loved the feeling of her shivering because of him.

Ethan leaned forward and closed his eyes and soon her lips were on his. And her lips were soft, softer the he had remembered. The shock of being here again, with her like this was so much that it took him a while to notice he wasn’t moving either was she. They just stood there, drinking each other taste in.

Getting back to his senses, he started to move his lips against hers and in response she moved hers too. But the kiss itself was so very gentle, sweet and slow. They took their time making sure they were not missing anything about kissing one another.

After a moment, they broke the kiss and he brushed his hand through her raven hair that seemed longer than he remembered too. While she was embracing him, placing her arms around his waist.

Looking down at her he spoke again “Who are you?” holding her head very gently with his hands. His question did and didn’t have an answer. She knew what he meant to ask her, the same question was floating her head since the day they met, but she answered simple with a dazzling smile on her face “I’m Vanessa”.

There was something about this woman, he could not explain and he wondered if she could, he would ask her, one day. He spent years knowing basically nothing about her, but that one night with her, changed him completely. And now, two years later here he was reunited with the nameless woman, now owner of a name that sounds so familiar to his mouth: Vanessa.

“Well, Vanessa, what are going to do?” He emphasized her name during the sentence.

“Now?” She played him and he noticed the ends of her mouth twisted when she spoke.

“Yeah, let’s start with now” He answered smiling and doing her game.

“I want to show you my favorite place here in London” She said.

“Ok” he said before tasting her lips again and they stood close to one another until the ride was finished.  “Can I hold your hand?” He asked slyly when they got off the London Eye, while she looked up at him giving a meaningful look.

 “What?” He raised his both hand, “I say without any second intention” he smiled at her like a little child that’s up to something “You said before you were cold” he completed.

“Too bad” She sounded a little disappointed.

“What is?” He asked simply.

“The part about ‘no second intentions’” she teased biting the left corner of her lower lip in a smile. She turned his game against him, and he knew in his heart the reasons why he always felt her so close to him since they met. Even though, he learned her name a couple of hours ago.

“I don’t know how to answer this” he admitted.

“I figured by your dumbstruck face.” She laughed at him “Also, I had forgotten this about you” at this moment the French in her appeared in the way she said ‘ _this’_ , which made his heart jump for some reason.

“Had forgotten that I’m incredibly funny?”

“No, that you are a clown” she teased him again.

“Ha.Ha.” he was sarcastic.

“Come” she said extending her hand for him to hold while he gave her a shy smile that made her heart leap.

“Where we are going?” He asked taking her hand and walking by her side. She didn’t answer thought. But he went with her anyway.

She was never the one to believe in fate. In fact, she would describe herself as skeptical. Even thought, she chose to believe in God, faith and religion were never strong in her, and something about this left her kind of sad. She could not explain. But she did believe in something bigger. And today, she felt she was being proved wrong about the her “no fate – no destiny” belief. When she met Ethan Chandler two years ago and left him in the middle of a cemetery she could never imagine he would appear in her life again (especially not in that way). Something, someone, some force, was bringing them together again, giving them a second chance in a thing she didn’t know what it was yet. But she did feel it was strong for her whole body seemed different when she was standing close to him.

They walked in silence for most of the trajectory, except when they would smile to each other, or when Vanessa became aware of his gaze upon her while they were riding the London Underground to a destination she refused to reveal. “Stop staring” she said feeling shy but not uncomfortable.

“I can’t” He said in almost a whisper to the base of her ear, while they were standing close to each other. Her body responded him with another shiver.

He got closer to her and now she realized that there were other people riding the car with them, so she touched his chest, stopping him “Let’s pay attention, so we will miss the stop”.

“Alright, I’ll behave” he winked at her, very charming. Vanessa felt the air leaving her lungs slightly. Noticing this made him smirk like a douche; which made her roll her eyes at him. She figured she would roll her eyes a lot whenever they were together, but so far this wasn’t a bad thing for her. She was having a great time with him once again.

“We are here,” she said pushing him by his hand “come on”. Leaving the station, they walked another four blocks before they stood in front of a brownstone apartment. “So this is where I live” she said biting her lower lip in a mischievous smirk.

“Oh” he was taken by surprise “You brought me to your apartment” he had a mischievous look himself.

“You know, since you are writing a book on the Victorian Era. You should know this place; it’s been in my father’s family for generations.” She said smiling at him really proud the building.

“Your favorite place in London is your own house? That’s nice, grandma” He laughed and she rolled her eyes once again, but couldn’t avoid laughing herself.

“It survived two great wars and everything; it’s a symbol of resilience for me. Besides, I like my solitude, a good book and wine” She said staring at him “So do you want to come in or not? It’s freezing out here” she crossed her arms in front of her waiting for his response.

“It is freezing out here” he agreed “I think I’m going to accept your invitation… only because it’s freezing” he smiled at her and she rolled her eyes once more.

“You should stop the smart ass comments; if I keep rolling my eyes like this I’m going to need surgery” she said going up the short stairs stopping at the top of it. Removing her gloves and going through her purse after her keys.

“I have bad news for you. I am a smart ass. You’re going to have to get used to me” he said following her.

“Get used to you?” she said standing at the door and staring at him.

“Yes” he stopped one step lower than her which made them look about the same height. They could feel each other breath caressing their faces lightly. She stared deeply at him, and somehow he felt her staring at his bare soul. With her left hand she touched his face and he couldn’t move like a prey that’s too paralyzed by fear. But he wasn’t feeling fear, or maybe he was. He didn’t know if he wasn't feeling anything or if her stare and cold touch made him feel everything. They only closed their eyes when their lips finally touched in a light kiss. Breaking the it, she said nothing and turned around unlocking her door leaving it open for him.

“Wow, look at this place” he said entering the apartment.

“I told you so.” She said while locking the door behind him. “Hm… do you mind taking of your shoes? Also, there’s a place for you to hang your coat too if you want to” she said standing beside him, taking off her own shoes and coat.

“Not at all” He took off his coat and worked on getting off his shoes. So he noticed how she was dressed under her coat. She was wearing a black long sleeved dress up to her knees very adjusted to her waist and black pantyhose. “You wear a lot of black, don’t you?”

“You noticed just now what I’m wearing?” She raised an eyebrow at him.

“Yes. Your face is too attracting to look other direction”

“The way I look is the only thing you can see?”

“Of course not. You are very beautiful it leaves me breathless, yes! I have to admit to it. But you are everything beyond your beauty. I realized that your love for literature is so great you decided to give an entire life to dedicate to it. You are a feminist and you are proud about it. You are dazzled by the simple things of life, like the way the wind touches your face, I think I saw you smile a bit when a particular wind hit us gently while we walked down here. You like your history and praises it by keeping this house as a sign of resilience, as a sign that you probably faced some bad things during your life but here you are standing tall. Just like this building. And these are the things I picked up with these 10 hours we have together”

“You liar” he looked puzzled when she said this “You said I was complete mystery to you” she explained.

“You are. That’s why I have to pay close attention to pick up on the little details” He smiled.

“Come; let me show you the rest of the apartment” She said extending her hand to him once again, now ungloved. He felt some kind of energy flowing though their exposed skin touching finally.

He saw a beautiful apartment; most of the details were original. With white walls and mahogany arches, doors and floor. Her furniture was cozy it fit perfectly the feeling the rest of the apartment gave. It also had a lot of plants here and there, on walls, shelves and coffee tables. Oh, and books, books were like a living part of the entire building. In the living room he also noticed a vinyl collection he would ask to browse later; a movie collection, mostly old ones; two of got his attention.

“Before Midnight and Before Sunset” he read the DVD covers remembering their final conversation before she left nameless two years ago.

“Did you watch the film?” she asked approaching him.

“Yes, I did. Great recommendation by the way.” He took Before Sunset out of the shelf and held it in his hand. He stared at the DVD like he was trying to remember something.

“So you liked. I’m glad” She watched waiting to see what he was going to do.

“Yes, amazing dialogue. But I have to say I liked the second one better” He put the DVD back on its place, turning to face her.

“Why is that?” She asked, looking up at him. He was standing so close again, she could feel the heat coming from his body.

“Because, you know, the first movie is about to people that meet randomly and they fall in love. They did, it’s obvious to see. But they are young, and most of times it’s easy to fall in love when you are young. People do it all the time. There are summer loves for instance…” He pushed his hair back running his fingers through it, and Vanessa realized she had found a new habit in her life: watching him think. “…and when the movie ends, they go separate ways. And you think ‘that’s it. That’s all’. Sometimes people love each other but they cannot be together, because circumstances don’t allow it. Sometimes love is not enough.” He paused and looked at her, and for some reason she couldn’t explain she felt her cheeks warm again. Before he could continue, she went to her window and opened it letting the winter wind calm down her flushed face. She picked up a rolled cigarette from a little box that was on top of a dresser by the window, and sat in its frame.

“Do you mind?” she asked him and nodded he was ok with it, and joined her by the window.  “Please, go on” she asked after taking a drag feeling the air with smoke.

“Should you turn off the lights?”

“Why?”

“So your neighbors won’t see you smoking weed”

She laughs “They never minded so far, but if it makes you more comfortable; go on. The moon in very bright tonight anyway” He went straight to the light switch and turned off the lights of the room. The image of her sitting by the window being bathed by moonlight made her look like a renaissance painting. He went end joined her again.

“So, going on about the movies” She hands him the cigarette and he accepts taking a long drag and letting the smoke out through his nostrils handling back to her before continuing “I like the second one better, because you meet again Jesse and Celine older and mature. They had a life beyond the one night where they met and fell in love. But you can see Jesse never really got over her, even if he got married and had a kid. Something in him was always missing. And throughout the movie they talk like old friends, old lovers that accepted their story had finished, even so he feels there’s more, or at least there could have been more. She is his “What If?” he picks up the cigarette from Vanessa’s fingers once again and notice something about the way she’s been staring at him.

“So, this is my favorite part, he goes to her apartment…” at this moment he puts out the cigarette leaving the rest for later and extends a hand for her and without hesitating she grabs it and he pulls her gently to his body. He grabs her left hand and rests it on his right arm just below his right shoulder, holding her waist gently. With his left hand supporting her right one.

“Celine sings a waltz to Jesse. That she wrote for him” He continues and starts waltzing with Vanessa around her living room. “And we realize in the moment, she loved and still loves him in the same strong way he loves her, with this words” and he starts singing very quietly to her ear: “’Let me sing you a waltz / Out of nowhere, out of my thoughts / Let me sing you a waltz / About this one night stand / You were for me that night / Everything I always dreamt of in life / But now you're gone / You are far gone / All the way to your island of rain’ – this part really applies to you” she laughed gazing up at him with some kind of adoration.

“ ’It was for you just a one night thing / But you were much more to me / Just so you know / I hear rumors about you / About all the bad things you do / But when we were together alone / You didn't seem like a player at all / I don't care what they say / I know what you meant for me that day / I just wanted another try / I / just wanted another night / Even if it doesn't seem quite right / You meant for me much more / Than anyone I've met before / One single night with you little… Vanessa’” They snorted together and he continued “‘Is worth a thousand with anybody / I have no bitterness, my sweet / I'll never forget this one night thing / Even tomorrow, in other arms / My heart will stay yours until I die’” he stops singing and for a minute they stood in the center of her living room trying to process and understand the person in front of them right now.

Their stillness in broken by Vanessa who kisses him again, but this time differently from the other times she kissed him with a want that was bottled up somewhere inside her, with fire and passion. Still, the kiss wasn’t rushed, it wasn’t angry, but it was hungry. They starved for each other.

Breaking the kiss Ethan looked deep into her eyes darkened by desire, grabs her hands and put them around his shoulders and drags his hands down slowly until they reach her waist without breaking eye contact.

 Her breathing became more rushed when his hands traveled down to her waist caressing her sides in the way, she almost lost her breathe entirely when she realized his hands could almost wrap her waist completely. He was huge compared to her, by the looks of it he was at least 1.90m while she was 1.68m.

When their lips met again, she pulled him tight against her, burying her hands in his hair. The friction between their bodies made him aroused, but he still needed her closer. So, he picked her up off the ground easily and she wrapped her legs around his waist. He kissed her again, this time more hard and feral, maybe it was the feeling of her body embracing his completely, and when he bites her bottom lip, she grips his hair hard enough to make him gasp into her lips.

“I’m sorry” she whispered breathless, foreheads touching.

“I’m not” he grinned as he gave soft kisses to her cheek, running his mouth to her corner mouth and base of the neck that made her dig her nails to the back of his neck.

“Does my beard bother you?” he asks still buried on her neck under close to her ear, taking in her scent.

“It’s just I’m not used to the feeling. But I’m enjoying it” She admitted 

“Did any of your exes have beards?” He pried

“Aren’t you tired of holding me up?” she changed the subjects grinning.

“I’m fine” he smiled raising an eyebrow.

“Put me down” he obliged, loosening his grip as she unwrapped her legs and sliding down his body, and then backing away. Suddenly, she pushed him into a sofa that was near behind them. He hit it hard enough to shake some vase that was on top of the end table near the sofa. She looked down at him for a while taking in every bit of the moment they were sharing; he looked dazed, with unfocused eyes, his hair and clothes a complete mess. She turned back to the window and closed it “So we don’t freeze to death” he agreed nodding his head. Then, she picked up the unfinished cigarette and lit it up again.

“One ex-boyfriend. Well, ex-fiancé, actually.” She indulged his curiosity walking back to join him at her sofa “He didn’t like beards” she completed taking a long drag.

“And you only kissed him in your entire life?” he took the cigarette hanging on her hand and takes a drag himself.

“Of course not, but not many others, I’ll admit to it. Some boys back when I was teenager, they weren’t old enough to have even stubble. And girls mostly have such smooth skin. So yeah, you are the first one with a beard” she picked the cigarette back.

“I am honored to be your first beard” he said grinning, and then taking the cigarette from her mouth and stealing a soft kiss and putting it back to her mouth after a quick drag.

“What about you?” she stared at him, her eyes were still darkened. Her pupils were so dilated; her eyes looked like eclipses staring back at him.

“I had my run with both boys and girls” he responded still trapped by her eyes.

“Hot!” she exclaimed, her voice huskier than usual. Ethan felt shivers going down his spine. He grinned mischievously at her, and she responded it in the same way.

She stood on her knees on the sofa, and before he could realize she’s in his lap, straddling him. Taking one last drag of her cigarette, she offering him the rest, he accepted it smoking direct from her hands; his lips touch her fingers while doing so. She tossed the rest of it on her end table. And finally blows out the smoke sideways, he did the same. She felt dizzy, maybe from holding the smoke for long, maybe because of the feeling of him getting hard under her touch.

She kisses him again, and her kisses now are tempting, addicting, her mouth tasted like a drug, a sweet drug, but a drug nonetheless. He was hooked. He can’t wait to taste her skin, her entirely.

His hands travelled from her thighs to her ass griping her tight there, this made her throw her head back and sigh loud. Ethan grins into the soft skin of her neck and she feels it.

“You are very content with yourself, aren’t you?” She says, eyes closed, enjoying the feeling of him on her neck.

“I’m content that you are content with me, _darling”_ he gavw soft kisses to the base of her neck where it meets her shoulder. His hands travelled up her backs looking for the zipper, before opening he asks “this is what you want right?”

He expected an answer without moving. She looked back at him taking his head with her both hands and whispered into his mouth a breathy “yes”.

He took his time to undo her zipper, so the dress wen down slowly, revealing her skin inch by inch. He believe death was very close to the anticipation he was causing. When it’s finally undone, and the dress slides down to her waist revealing her naked torso to him, he thought he at least was going to die happy. He silently thanked the Gods, and this Goddess in front of him, for whatever he’s done right in his life for deserving this moment with her.

He kissed her again, now cupping her breast with on hand, while the other gave support to her spine.  Made her shiver to his touch, grinding against him. He feels painfully hard, and she’s there so ready he swears he can smell her arousal. He travelled his lips again leaving a trail of wet kisses on her skin until he takes one of her nipples into his mouth and all she could do was moan his name and grind into him again. He thinks he’s going to go insane if she does it one more time.

Looking up at her, he asked “Do you trust me?”

“Yes” she said without hesitating, so he tightened his arm around her and shifted them on the sofa, laying her down while he stood on his knees hovering above her. He bent down and kissed her body, spending a sweet time mapping the constellations of freckles on her chest and breasts, before dealing with the rest of her clothing.  

He kissed her body gently and slowly when he laid her down. She was about to lose last of sanity that remains on her mind, but she made her best effort to keep her eyes open and watch him a flushed mess worshiping her in the shrine of their strong desire for each other. She thouht this is his most beautiful state.  

He slid down her body, with hands and lips everywhere he can reach. He was right; the taste of her skin was even better and more powerful than the taste of her lips. He couldn’t wait to taste her center. He smiled into her skin feeling anxious for it and resisted the urge to suck a spot on her stomach hard, to mark her. He hooked his thumbs in the hem of her dress and pantyhose and pulled them down and off. He took a moment to stare at her only on her black panties.

She looks up at him and sees his eyes are clouded, he stares at her like she’s his, or a prey even. She ddin't feel fear throught or the urge to back down, the opposite; she sat on her knees very close to him, her hands travelling up his tights, caressing his bulge over his pants – she can hear a groan forming on his chest. She continued her way under his shirt digging hair nails on his stomach.

“You are wearing too much clothes” She says in a husky low tone, close to his ear. Sitting down again she demanded “Take them off! I want to see you” shocks travel through his spine.

“What? No song for me to strip for you?” he purrs, raising an eyebrow to accompany a huge grin. She says nothing, and he couldn’t do anything but get up and obey her command. She watches with dark eyes when he takes of his shirt, and started to make his way to unbutton his pants.

“Please, don’t forget the socks” she said.

“Turn off?” he asked laughing.

“Huge, I can’t explain why” she laughs too. Whistling at him when started to dance provocatively joking with her. "Yes, shake that ass" she loses and started laughting out loud.

"Hey, don't laugh. I'm very sexy" he jokes trying to make a straight face.

"Of course you are, if I had money on me I'd be throwing bills at you" she still laughed.

"This is the best compliment I've ever got" he said while taking down his pants. He made his best effort to take off his socks and almost fell on the floor.

"Wow, very sexy indeed" he gave her a look. But continued stripping anyway when he reached the hem of his boxers she interfered.

"Wait. Leave that piece for me" She bit down her lips and he thanked the universe once again for her being.

She finally takes a full look on his almost naked body. He’s more cut than she’s imagined, fantasized even. His thighs look even bigger without his pants on. She feels her mouth water for him… not only her mouth. She guesses she lost track of time for a while when he says “You know, I’m all about voyeurism. But this is starting to get weird, I really want to put my hands on you” he says while giving her a wickedly filthy smile.

She also thinks sex with might hurt a little since she could see, even with his underwear on, he was bigger than she had expected. “Vanessa, wake up!” he went to the couch and grabbed her for a kiss again. She started laughing into his mouth.

“I’m sorry; I got a little lost in the moment”

“I noticed. But now it’s my turn” he lays her down again. Starting with a lingering kiss on her addictive mouth, and made his way down her body again, gently opening her legs and sucking her inner thigh. This one was definitely going to leave a purple on her skin.

She hissed.

Then he planted a kiss on her center over her underwear. “Are you really this turned on?” he teased feeling she was very wet for him.

She looked him in the eyes and licked her lips, then laid  back down, digging her nails into her sofa. She was going to die with the anticipation of having him buried between her legs.

“Is that a yes?” She was going to respond, but he interrupted her by taking of the last article of clothing off. She moaned as she felt him run his finger to part her lips, and lick her clit, in a reflex she bucks away, but he winded his arms around her thighs and pulled her close.

“Fuck” she moaned as he lached his lips around her and suckd, first slowly, but he speeding up, flicking at her clit with the tip of his tongue. The feeling of his tong working her and his beard scratching at her sensible skin make her moans fill the room. She felt the pressure forming on her stomach.  She’s so close, so he slowed his pace and then stopped.

“Un-fucking-believable” she cursed

“You are very eloquent for someone on the verge of an orgasm”

“I’m not even going to look at you; I can feel your smug face” he laughed loudly.

“I just needed a moment to muse that you are currently breathless because of me. I fantasized about this so much” Before she could answer anything he slid two fingers inside her finding the right spot, wrapping his lips around her clit again. She fell apart with a cry, arching her back and digging her nails hard into his shoulder now.

He gave a moment for her to pick up her breath again. Wiping her watered eyes.

 “Are you alright?” He asked sitting on the floor by the side of her head.

“Yes” she answered panting.

“Want to taste yourself?” he asked and gives a lingering kiss.

"I think you draw blood out of my shoulder" he said checking it

"I'll give a band-aid later" they laughed.

“Do you have a condom? I think I have on my nightstand drawer” She said looking at him.

“I also have one in my wallet. Should I take it too?” she nodded smiling mischievously at him. “So let’s move this into the bedroom?” he raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t seem to be able to move yet” she laughed and thought again on how much he loved that sound. But the sound she made when he was making love to her wins.

“No, problem” he stood up, and picked her easily like she weighted nothing. She couldn’t explain but this feeling of being entirely on his arms made her feel protected somehow. “Just tell me the way” he says after giving her a light kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, The Lovers meet again. And I hoped you guys liked reading this as much as I liked writing it. This is the first time I post smut. Also, I used poetic license once again, I imagine it must be impossible to ride the London Eye that easily. 
> 
> Since, I can't update as much as I can. I'm going to try writing longer chapters like this. 
> 
> And, yes, I'm sorry about the tease at the end (I'm no THAT sorry tho). 
> 
> I hope you guys are doing ok, see you soon!


	6. Two of Wands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello, this is a small chapter to let you know I'm alive and I intend to keep posting.

August 2010. 

Garden District, New Orleans. 

 

Ethan was sitting on his old desk writing on laptop, after spending a few days blocked, words finally made their way back to his mind and consequently made his way into his book. On his side a large cup of coffee laid forgotten and cold, unfortunately sometimes Ethan  would drink a gulp of that god awful coffee and basically die a little of disgust, a taste he would wash away with a clove.  

 _‘She was right’,_  he would think, cloves would always be the best kind of cigarettes. "She" he says softly to himself, his mind starting to drift to the every detail of her he could remember: her dark hair in perfect contrast with her pale skin, framing her long and beautiful face. Those eyes, so blue, mysterious and somewhat deadly... her lips... 

"You know, most people use their vacation time for fun stuff, especially during summer" a sweet yet strong male voice spoke behind him breaking his daydream.  

Turning around, Ethan saw his best friend and brother. Quickly, he got up and went to welcome him with a strong hug.  

"Sembene, man, what you are doing here?" Hugging him tight  

"Well, mom said you were coming home this weekend so here I am; and with you going away soon, of course I'd come here to see you. Congratulation on your book by the way"  Sembene smiled lightly at his brother.  

Ethan and Sembene were not bound by blood, but their bond was much stronger since they decided they were brothers. They grew up together, as their mothers did; it was only natural for them to be friends, brothers. Orlena was Sembene's birth mother and Ethan's godmother. Mary Elizabeth, Ethan's mom, was Sembene's.  

When Orlena passed away Ethan felt like hole on his chest had just appeared and he remembers his mother saying she had just lost a sister, and she would make her best to raise her son as best as she could. 

"Well, that's why I'm working during summer, so much work to be done until next month when I leave".  Ethan let out a large exhale. 

"Wow, my little brother living in London. Are you ready for the cold weather?" Sembene joked 

"Of course not," Ethan let out a large breath, “but I sure am anxious" Ethan smiled nervously. 

"He is nervous because he still has hopes of finding The Woman" a third voice entered the room. Catriona their younger sister mocked him.  

"Ohhhh, right. Ethan's blue eyed ghost" Sembene continued Catriona's game. 

"We've been through this, guys. She's not a ghost," Ethan laughed joking too, but he could not avoid his blushing cheeks telling on him.  

"One might think differently: you met her on a cemetery. You do not even know her name or if she has one. Nobody else knows her or saw someone remotely perfect. Many people would agree she's a ghost" Catriona pointed the facts counting them on her fingers. 

"Yeah, she's too good to be truth." Sembene continued, "How could a woman like that be interested in you?" He teased his brother. 

Catriona laughed aloud and continued, "Of course, there's that too". Ethan rolled his eyes, but could not stop himself from laughing at the effort of his siblings. 'That's what siblings do',he thought to himself, happy that despite the adversities he grew up on a loving family.  

"You guys are kind right, but if you can be a married man with kids," he put his left arm around his brother's neck and embraced his sister with his other arm "and you, the most annoying person in the world can have a girlfriend like Laura. It's safe to say I have a chance with a woman like that," he said giving a smug smile at his siblings. “Besides,” Ethan kept talking “I did not meet her at the cemetery, we broke into it”.

“A ghost with B&E on her rap sheet. This is even worse, Ethan” Catriona said.

The three of them laughed together until they realized they were being watched by their mother "I'm going to miss having my babies together," Mary said with her strong South American accent. Mary was a very beautiful redhead, like her daughter, in the end of her 50's, a former ballet dancer who loved her children very much. 

"Own, mom!" Her children exclaimed in unison and pulled her for a group hug. 

"But, really, Ethan" the older woman said, "That girl you describe seems too good to be truth" They all laughed unison.   

… 

September came and with the first winds of autumn, Ethan left to London, anxious about this phase he was starting and somewhat hopeful: maybe destiny would allow them to meet again.  

However, things in London were not exactly easy. Ethan had made many plans: people to meet, places to go. Getting a Master’s Degree, writing a book and the occasional gig to get some extra money were draining his life force.  

It is the end of November now; Ethan’s bones are already shaking with the promise of winter. The closest thing he had gotten to have a “tourist day” was when he saw the Big Bang from a far while rushing not to be late, (Londoners truly are very serious about being on time) and riding the London Eye seemed like a distant dream made for children.  

Maybe he would have some free time on December; perhaps, he would be able to make it to a dinner with his old college friend and his girlfriend, now fiancée. Ethan would always forget her name, it was embarrassing.

 Well, they met once, maybe twice, he had a faint memory of talking to her on a party where he got very drunk. He knew the things Jonathan had said about her. They spent all college time apart since she had attended The University of Paris with her sister, but she moved to New York with him a couple years ago. They would come to London to visit their families. In addition, prepare some things about their wedding that was going to happen here, next summer; in some old Victorian Mansion that her father owned in the country. According to Jonathan, Ethan had to know this place ASAP.

… 

Ethan was a very exhausted person making his very best to get properly ready for that particular dinner ‘date’ with his friend Jonathan, his fiancée and apparently her sister that currently was living in London as well. He was very tired, so some lazy voice inside him was telling him to call his friend making some excuse, so he could stay home and sleep until his body decided it was time to wake up. Tomorrow would be the first time in a long time Ethan would have a day-off. 

Other voice inside him was insisting that he went to this dinner, so he dressed a nice pair of black jeans, his navy blue and green flannel, a very warm black coat he had just purchased and off he went. 

Arriving at the restaurant, on time, Ethan looked for him over the crowed of heads, until someone approached him. 

“Good evening, Sir, how can I help you?” A blonde woman with a very posh accent spoke to him. 

“Oh, yes. I’m looking for a friend, Jonathan.” He breathed “Jonathan Harker,” he finished.  

“Yes, mister Harked has just arrived. Can follow me?” The woman asked and Ethan nodded silently.  

Following the woman, Ethan spotted his friend sitting alone on the table. “Thank you, miss,” Ethan said when they arrived at the table. Immediately, Jonathan got up and greeted his friend with a hug and a huge smile. 

“How are you doing, man?” Ethan said while tapping lightly at his friend’s back. 

“Great” Jonathan answered tapping at Ethan’s backs as well. "And you, how things are here in London?" Jonathan said, now facing his friend still smiling and then making a gest for him to take a sit at their table.  

"Things are crazy here, but I actually love. There's something about this city I can't explain, I just wish I had more time to properly walk around without destiny" Ethan gave his usual large smile before continuing, "where's your fiancée? I want to congratulate her on being able to deal with you." 

"Mina and her sister went to the restroom to wash their hands, they'll be here in a minute" Something hit Ethan in the moment Jonathan said Mina, some old memory made back to his mind.  

 _‘'_ _Of course I'm not going to live here with Mina and Jonathan'_ he heard her voice on his mind. Ethan felt his stomach turn with this sudden realization. He had found her. Well, how many people in the world could have a sister called Mina who dated a Jonathan? This had to be her.

"Here they are" Ethan heard Jonathan say bringing him back to the reality, getting up and turning to see the two women, one with long and blonde hair and slightly shorter than the other one with raven hair that seemed longer than he remembered. He would never guessed they were twin sisters, yes there were some physical resemblance between the two women, however they were very different people. 

 His heart leaped, fighting against the cage in his chest. None of the dreaming about this moment prepare him for it, dreaming could have never prepared him for this, not ever.  

He noticed the shock on her face as well. Did she ever imagine this could happen? Did she ever dream about it, as he did?  

They stared at each other for a little while trying to take track of what was happening. Apparently, just like him, she could not believe  _destiny_ had brought them together one more time.  

Mina and Jonathan stared at each other wondering what was happening. Suddenly, Mina spoke getting Ethan's attention, "Hello, Ethan! Good to see you again" 

"Yes..." he spoke without breaking eye contact with his very real "blue eyed ghost" (take that Sembene and Catriona!).”Yes," he repeated himself, words failing him. Making his best effort he finally looked at Mina "Hey, Mina, so very good to see you again. Congratulations on the engagement, you are a warrior for liking Jonathan" He smiled. 

"I know right," Mina laughed pulling her sister by her arm, she continued, "and this is my sister..." 

"Vanessa" the dark haired woman interrupted, saying her name before her sister could. Her husky voice made his body shiver.  

"Vanessa" he repeated letting the taste of her name sink into his mouth "Very nice meeting you" he said with smug smile and while he extended his hand to properly greet her.  

"Likewise" She said taking his hand, he could feel that same spark he felt two years ago "and you are?" She teased him, he could see it on her face, or at least he hoped see was teasing him, his heart crushed. 

"Ethan Chandler, a college friend of you future brother in law" he gave her THAT smile still holding her hand.  

"Have you two met?" Jonathan asked the obvious, breaking the spell they were under, causing them release the hold. 

"Briefly" Ethan said dryly still looking at her.  

"Two years ago, when I visited you two by surprise" she said. Ethan noticed Vanessa gave Mina a quick meaningful look. "Should we sit down and order?" Vanessa asked changing the subject, looking a bit uncomfortable.  

At this, Mina quickly sat down in the chair across from Jonathan, leaving two other empty seats across from each other to Vanessa and Ethan sit. Ethan caught the little smirk Mina gave her sister, obviously teasing her. He certainly had been a topic of conversation between the sisters and this kind of made his heart warm a little, and of course, anxiety. 

 _'Should have he insisted upon knowing her name?_ He _knew he always cursed himself for not asking for her number. Maybe he should have had followed her after that kiss. He. Is. Such. An. Idiot!'_ He would not blame her for being uncomfortable around him. God, she WAS uncomfortable around him. In all of his daydreams about meeting her again, all the scenarios he had played in his head, he never had imagined that heir reencounter would be so... awkward.  

You know, things in life are never so bad that they cannot get worse, so of course he managed to drop his glass of wine on the table spilling at her and ruining her blouse.  

After their greeting in the beginning of the evening, they exchanged two words: sorry and fine. And the fact that Mina and Jonathan kept looking at them like they were two bombs that were about to explode did not help at all.  

With the ending of this disastrous night, Ethan thought the noble thing to do about it was to let go and give her some space. Maybe he would have the courage to ask for her number one day. So he said his goodbyes and went home accompanied by embarrassment. 

… 

Next morning, a knock on Vanessa's door announced a deliver to her house. A simple package not so big. She opened it to find a very old copy of The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman and a handwritten note with rushed letters.  

"Hello, Vanessa, 

This is the person that probably already blew things up with you, so this is my apology for the most awkward night in the history of... history, I don't know. Anyway, I would like to clarify I am not a stalker; your sister gave your address when I explained I wanted to send you an apology gift. I thought of flowers, and even though you look like someone that likes them, they would not feel right and I've been told you are passionate by literature mostly feminist literature; this book is a masterpiece that you probably already read. However, I found this copy dating the publishing year about a month ago, and I thought it would be a gift that you would cherish.  

Be well, Ethan. 

Ps.: it's finally nice to know your name". 

… 

Ethan's phone rang and in the ID was an unknown number "Hello, who is this?" he answered it, when the person on the other side of the line spoke his heart stopped.  

"Hi, it's Vanessa.” She paused waiting for his reaction that never came, “First I'd like to say that I'm not a stalker, Jonathan gave me your phone when I explained what I indented". He was still mute, so she continued, "I'd like to apologize about being so awkward last night".

"I'm the one who has to apologize..." he said when she was starting to think he had hung up on her.

"I thought about you all week," she said interrupting him. Silence again. None of them knew exactly how to proceed, but she took a long breath and continued, "Before we met again, I mean." She paused again "Suddenly you materialized out of nowhere catching me out of my feet and above all you are a friend of my soon to be brother-in-law, somehow you were always so close" her voice trembled. 

“Yes, that’s a scary thought” he assumed.

"Yes… I'm sorry; I have and act for crewing up things" she spoke again.

“You didn’t screw up anything, I just thought I offended you somehow” he said in a low voice that sounded like a whisper to her ear.

“I made you think you had something to apologize for and I'd like to apologize for that by taking you to a dinner" 

"Are you going to talk to me this time?” He could hear her smiling lightly at his question. 

"Hopefully" she mocked, he smiled feeling some of the tension lift and so she spoke one more time "Are you free tonight?"  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Ethan's POV so much. 
> 
> I hope you liked.


End file.
